Let’s talk about relationships and marriage.
Recently, I was having a conversation with an older female friend who had been married to her husband for over sixty years. While discussing marriage and relationships I asked about how happy her marriage had been. She replied it was about 50/50.
50 percent happy and 50 percent not.
50/50?
I must have sounded confused because she elaborated a bit. She was married in the 1950’s - a time when women didn’t have many options. When she and her husband were married - he had less work to do and she had more. She took on so many responsibilities and her own needs came last. She also suffered from poor mental health but was told to bury that away instead of dealing with it.
Years later her life would improve. She would eventually get the help she needed to deal with her mental health and as her kids grew older, she had time for her own needs.
Her husband was not a bad husband - he was just a product of his time. His ideas were often misogynistic and dismissive. As time went on and their situation changed - he changed as well.
This got me thinking about how happy one needs to be to have a successful relationship.
Also - is a relationship really successful if it’s not a happy one?
When I was young and a hopeless romantic I thought that the perfect relationship would be happy 100% of the time. As I got older, I realized how unrealistic that is. Humans are complex creatures with their own thoughts and emotions. Not only that but there are things beyond our control.
I sat down with my husband and we rated our own happiness. We both came up with a 97/3 percent ratio. (The fact that we both came up with the same ratio lets me know how much we are on the same page regarding our relationship!)
97% happy.
Not too shabby.
But we’ve been lucky. We’ve had our ups and downs, but the ups have greatly outnumbered the downs. We were also born in a time where we both have more choices in life.
It makes me wonder though - what if our ratio was different? What if our marriage was only 60/40?
At what point do you prioritize your own happiness?
My friend told me she wouldn’t change anything. But at the same time, she admitted that she wanted better for her own children - especially her daughters.
The divorce rate has skyrocketed since the 1950s and I’m not so sure that is a bad thing.
Should you stay in an unhappy marriage?
What ratio would be the breaking point?
I am feeling extremely blessed that I don’t have to answer these questions right now in my life.
I give grace and love to those who do.
What about you? What is your relationship ratio?
Amy Young
Confessions of a GenX Mom
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