It’s way past time to retire the narrative that women are responsible for the thoughts and actions of men.
Not only is this narrative oppressive as Hell, but it’s also dangerous.
Last week a man (I refuse to type his name) murdered eight people - mostly women, mostly Asian. When the man was picked up by police, he told the officer that he had a "sex addiction" and blamed his massacre on the women for their “temptation.”
This is a familiar narrative - to blame the female victims. Unfortunately, this is nothing new. Women (and girls) are used to being blamed for the actions and thoughts of men.
(To read about the hyper sexualizing of Asian women, in particular, click here.)
We are told to cover up so as not to “distract” the boys.
We are told to “not lead a man on.”
We are told that men can’t control their sexual urges so we have to learn dozens of ways to help those men control their thoughts and actions.
If we are assaulted we are asked:
“What were you wearing?”
“Were you drinking?”
“Why were you walking alone at night?”
Meanwhile, the boys/men are given excuses:
“He just likes you.”
“He misread your interest.”
“He was just having fun.”
“He was having a bad day.”
As a young woman, I was taught this narrative. I was told to cover up, to not tempt the young men (or grown men) by showing my shoulders. I was the one responsible for drawing boundaries when it came to dating.
It was no surprise that when I was sexually assaulted in high school, I thought it was my fault. In fact, I didn't know it was sexual assault until a long time later when I told a boyfriend about what had happened.
He was the one to tell me it was assault. I had said no multiple times and the young man ignored me - forcing his way on top of me. I thought that since I didn’t fight (I was in shock) and since I was wearing something a bit revealing at the time that the blame was on me. Because that was what I was taught.
I carried that guilt around for years because the narrative I was raised to believe told me it was my fault.
This narrative is harmful on so many levels - not just physically, but mentally and emotionally.
And frankly, it’s a narrative that women are sick of!
WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS!
Let me repeat that:
WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS
We are only responsible for our OWN actions!
If a man cannot control his urges, then there is something wrong with him - not the women he is attracted to!
If he can’t control his urges, HE should be the one to avoid drinking.
If he can’t control his urges, HE should be the one to avoid going out at night or really going anywhere women will be.
We need to stop teaching girls/women that this is their responsibility and start holding the boys/men accountable for their actions.
We need to end this outdated way of thinking. This is such a dangerous narrative that puts girls and women at risk every day and it's past time that it ends!
Amy Young
Confessions of a GenX Mom